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THIS IS WHAT DEPRESSION LOOKS LIKE - True Story

by - July 29, 2018

THIS IS WHAT DEPRESSION LOOKS LIKE ~ written by: Nadiah Abdul Halim


I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) by a psychiatrist 5 years ago back when I was still in medical school.

Since the first diagnosis, it has been a recurrent cycle of relapses and remissions. It was an ongoing internal struggle to finish and attain my degree.

Whenever I relapsed, it was really hard to get myself to get out of the house to go to classes. I felt so guilty to my study group as sometimes I had to skip some sessions because depression and anxiety became too overwhelming for me.

Studying became really difficult because MDD tends to impair concentration. So at times, I would stare at my books or notes for 3 hours and understood absolutely nothing. But Alhamdulillah, Allah still allowed me to finish my degree.

Only recently when I started working that I sought treatment and have been taking medications ever since. I was desperate to get better because I really wanted to continue working.

I struggled to understand anything at work because my concentration was so impaired. The suicidal thoughts became uninvited and unbearable. My anxiety became even worse when I tried so hard to keep up with the expectations while going through a relapse, that I started developing panic attacks at work.

The panic attacks came with chest pain, palpitations and shortness of breath. Something that became recurrent and it got worse over time as I experienced panic attacks while working and at public places too like a restaurant or petrol station.
THIS IS WHAT DEPRESSION LOOKS LIKE - True Story
THIS IS WHAT DEPRESSION LOOKS LIKE - True Story / credit image: Google
As time went by, with lots of MCs and meds, I got better and improved so much at work. But it didn't last long. I relapsed again unprovoked and unexpectedly.

This time, I had ran out of MCs and left with no choice but to resign before being terminated.

For now, I am no longer a houseman. With my husband's support and my family's blessings, I am going to use this time to focus on my ongoing therapy and get well first.

The pain is invisible, the sleepless nights are tiring, the lack of concentration is frustrating, the lost of interest in things that I love are puzzling and the suicidal thoughts do not mean that I want to stop living.

Depression does not mean that I'm crying all the time. It does not mean that I am unhappy. I am actually a very happy person and really grateful with all the blessings in my life Alhamdulillah :)

I reject the notion that depression is a sign of a weak iman. Every illness was created by Allah as a test for His slave and MDD is one of them. Only Allah knows how much I longed to be close to Him and only Allah knows what is in His slave's little heart..

The reason I'm writing this post is to show to people that depression does not have a face. MDD is an illness. It affects millions of men, women and children regardless of race and religion. If it could affect me, it could affect anybody.

To quote a psychiatrist that I met years ago,

"Penyakit tak kira bulu"

So here I am, a happy Muslim girl, happy wife, happy daughter, happy writer, happy former houseman. And I have MDD and anxiety. I am not ashamed of it and that's okay.

This smiley hijabi girl in the picture right here,
this is what depression looks like :)

#DepressionIsReal
#DepressionDoesNotHaveAFace
THIS IS WHAT DEPRESSION LOOKS LIKE - True Story
THIS IS WHAT DEPRESSION LOOKS LIKE - by Nadiah

Sumber: FB Nadiah

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6 comments

  1. penat kalau ada depression ni sampai tak boleh beza mana realiti, mana ilusi

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  2. semoga kita semua dijauhkan dengan sebarang depression..

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  3. yes depression is real tapi orang selalu ingat tu benda main2 kan..

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  4. depression yang sebenar ... mmg sukar kan, tp lucky if you have loving people around you yg bagi support ... hope Nadiah could overcome her depression ... stay strong.

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  5. depression dan HR berpisah tiada. hehe

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  6. Allah.. Semoga beliau sentiasa kuat melalui hidup..

    ReplyDelete

Silakan comment. Jangan malu, jangan segan yew :p